Understanding Love Beyond Feelings Series – Part 3

You understand why they behaved that way sometimes.

Their past had been difficult, and they struggled a lot with their emotions. You knew why certain conversations made them withdraw, why small disagreements sometimes became sharp reactions, why they find it difficult to be accountable for their behaviors. So, instead of taking things personally, you just readjust. You softened your tone and explained yourself more carefully. You gave space when you were hurt.

You told yourself this was what patience looked like.

That love required that you’re more understanding. In many ways you were right, but you didn’t realize that something else was happening within you. You were becoming more considerate of their emotions than your own. You were explaining their behavior better than you could explain how it affected you.

When you considered it carefully, you did not think you were ignoring a problem. It felt more like you were being kind, yet it was confusing. This is how ignoring red flags in relationships often begins. You don’t deny that it isn’t there, you just use empathy to explain the problem away.

Red Flags Don’t Look So Serious at First

Most people expect red flags to be very obvious. They expect cruelty, disrespect, clear manipulation that they can quickly detect and correct. However, the early warning signs are very subtle. They come as discomfort you struggle to justify.

You leave conversations confused, but you cannot explain why. The apology they give sounds correct but it does not feel relieving. You pick your words carefully and hesitate before you express your concerns. Before you meet up with them, you prepare yourself emotionally.

Nothing looks serious enough for you to label it as a problem. So, you downgrade your intuition and choose to move with the flow.

Why We Rationalize What We Notice

People rarely stay because they are not aware of what is going on. They stay because their mind creates reasonable explanations for the other person’s shortcomings. Here are some reasons why we rationalize the red flags we notice in relationships:

• Potential Over Pattern: This happens when you choose to focus on the things a person could become instead of who they consistently choose to be. You remember those times they were good to you, when they took you to a lovely place, put up with you during your difficult times, or bought pleasant gifts for you. This made you ignore their repeated negative behavior, hoping that one day, they’ll eventually see it themselves and change.
• Intermittent Reinforcement: The good days you have with them always reset your judgment about who they are. After a difficult interaction, warmth returns. The effort reappears, reassurance follows, and the relief you feel at the moment makes the earlier discomfort feel temporary. Your mind begins to wait for improvement that may never come, instead of evaluating the reality in front of you.
• Emotional Investment: The time you have spent building the relationship can begin to change your perception about the individual. The more energy you give to make it work, the harder it becomes to accept what it means if the relationship is unhealthy. Walking away from it now feels like you’re losing progress rather than making a decision for your own wellbeing.
• Fear of Restarting: Many people become stuck in an unhealthy relationship because they are afraid of starting all over again. When you are uncertain of what lies ahead, you might choose to stay with the discomfort. So, your mind negotiates with what hurts you because your mind recognizes it as normal, even when it is not okay.

When Empathy Becomes Self-Abandonment

Empathy is usually a strength in relationships. It helps partners feel understood and supported. However, it changes direction when there are no boundaries. You begin to explain their behaviors instead of responding to it. You minimize your own feelings because theirs seem more complicated than yours. In addition, you observe their mood and then delay conversations to avoid overwhelming them.

When you choose to understand someone’s pain, it does not automatically make their actions safe for you. If you are emotionally aware, you would struggle with ignoring red flags in relationships because you know how to contextualize behavior. You will see the reason behind the action and treat the reason as a substitute for change.

How to Recognize a Red Flag Early Enough

Your awareness begins to improve when you shift your attention from intention to pattern.

Ask yourself these questions when you are not sure of these red flags:

• Do I feel calmer expressing myself or ending the conversation?
• Am I repeatedly explaining the same emotional need?
• Do I prepare for reactions before I speak?
• Do apologies lead to change or only temporary relief?
• Am I interpreting behavior more than I am experiencing care?

Reflection

More often than we want to admit, these red flags are visible, but we often explain them away. We do not ignore them because we are naïve. We ignore them because we are hopeful that things would get better. We make ourselves believe that our understanding will eventually produce stability.

However, relationships do not become secure through our patience alone. They become secure when a person’s behavior becomes reliable. Note that not every comfortable moment means something is wrong. Yet, if you are confused repeatedly, then there’s something to it. Learn to stop asking if something is wrong with you, start noticing the patterns.

In the next part, we will explore what emotional safety actually feels like in a relationship and how to recognize it when it is present.