“Has he finally reached out?” Clara asked for the third time that day as she watched me pick up my phone yet again.

“No, he hasn’t.” I shrugged, “It no longer matters if he doesn’t.”

I’d been trying to reach out to my fiance all morning. Although he seemed to be online, he just didn’t respond to my messages. I wouldn’t lie; I was worried. This is the 20th time in an hour that I had picked up my phone just to check if he had either read or responded to my messages.

‎What did I even say yesterday that this guy has chosen to behave like this today? I wondered to myself. I tried to remember how our conversation had ended the previous night. We had talked, laughed and said goodnight as we normally did. Yet now, sitting with this silence, I found myself going through the conversation again, wondering if there was something in my words that I didn’t notice.

‎”It no longer matters,” I heard myself say those words to myself again. But did it really not matter? Was I not sitting here worried and agitated that he isn’t responding? Why am I acting or pretending like I don’t care when I certainly do? He wouldn’t just leave his phone somewhere without saying a good morning to me now.

The Things We Brush Aside

‎Many of us are like this young lady. We pretend that we don’t care about certain things even though they are eating us up inside. When we suddenly lose a friendship, we act like the friend don’t really matter and try to brush off the loss. If we were left out of a beautiful event we would have loved to be part of, we pretend like it’s all okay.

‎When someone forgets your birthday, you try to give excuses, pretending that it doesn’t really matter if they forgot. You helped a friend sort out a problem, but instead of them appreciating you, they just move on. You, on the other hand, act like it doesn’t really matter and try ignore their ingratitude, even though you’re wondering if they’re truly your friend.

‎Although we truly desire people’s validation, recognition, or acknowledgement on certain occasions, we act like they don’t really matter. Some even pretend that they prefer simplicity and attribute their ‘not caring’ to a kind of humility. But is it really humility? Isn’t it that we fear that we’d look vulnerable if we actually care about these things?

Giving the Feeling a Name

‎Some people fear that if they admit that it matters to them, they’d be admitting that they don’t have complete control over the outcome. For instance, if I admit that I am hurt by a friend’s absence, they could decide that my friendship doesn’t matter to them. If I admit that being forgotten on my birthday hurt me, I have to acknowledge that I expected someone to remember. If I admit that I wanted recognition for something I did, I have to accept the possibility that I might not receive it.

‎It’s easier to say something doesn’t matter than to admit that it actually mattered and that you wished there was a different outcome. The first gives us a sense of control. The second makes us vulnerable to disappointment. So, how do we show that something matters to us?

Caring Without Losing Yourself‎

First, stop with the pretense. Admit to yourself that it really matters to you. You don’t have to announce your disappointment to everyone or demand that people respond the way you want them to.  Just acknowledge it within yourself. “Yes, this hurt me.” “Yes, I wanted to be appreciated for the good thing I did.” This is way healthier than suppressing your feelings.

‎Next, show that you care. Caring about something does not mean we have to control how it turns out. We can acknowledge our disappointment without turning it into resentment. We can want to be appreciated without making our worth dependent on other people’s appreciation.

‎Lastly, ask yourself if the situation matters to you, what are you hoping to get from it. Do you want reassurance, recognition, appreciation, connection, or an apology? Once you have identified this, it can make you decide if you want to talk about it with those involved, accept the situation, or just release it. It’s a personal decision.

‎Let’s stop pretending that nothing matters just to appear strong. Our strength comes from being honest about what matters and deciding what to do with the feeling that follows. Saying “I don’t care” may protect us from looking vulnerable, but admitting “This matters to me” might be the beginning of understanding ourselves better.