Frank walked into his apartment after a hot date with his fiancée. While eating, he had stylishly mentioned buying a video game for them. He did not spend just any money; it was the one they were contributing together ahead of the first few months of their marriage. He saw as her facial expression changed quickly and couldn’t understand why. It was a video game he was certain she would love. They had even talked about getting it someday. So, why not now?

His fiancée stopped eating her food as she explained her displeasure, “We don’t even have the money for a wedding yet, and you’re using this one to buy a video game?”

“It’s no big deal,” he noted reaching for her hand. She pulled her hand away, surprising him, “We will find money to settle that one.”

“What?! Why can’t you be more reasonable and stop making foolish decisions?”

She stood up. Not waiting for a response, she walked out of the restaurant, leaving him with the unfinished plates of food. Frank stared at the food before him for a while. Then, he devoured both plates, ensuring that none was wasted.

Settling into his long arm chair, Frank reached for his phone. He was desperately looking for someone to rant to about his situation. He was more than certain that his decision wasn’t a foolish one and he needed someone to sincerely explain the matter to him. Scrolling through his contact list, he wondered who would be willing to listen. Just like that, he opened his chatbot and began typing,

“Can you believe what happened today? I did something good and bought a video game for my future. Well, my fiancée loves this game and I thought it would be great to have it now. At least, we’d have something fun to do when she visits…” Frank continued chatting with his AI companion, receiving feedback almost immediately. This boosted his self-esteem, further making him believe that his decision was the right one.    

The Comfort of Being Heard

People around the world have begun to rely on AI companions more frequently in their daily lives. According to the American Psychological Association (APA), these chatbots are being configured to simulate empathy, offer users nonjudgemental responses and continual validation. The more humanlike an AI appears in language, appearance, and behavior, the more users ascribe consciousness to it. This gives users the impression that AI chatbots and companions know them intimately and serve as a refuge to disclose their innermost private thoughts and receive unwavering support in return.

Frank, just like many others, use these chatbots to avoid embarrassment or the fear of being judged. Some others worry about burdening others with their problems and just choose AI because it is always available. As a result, some people find it easier to turn to them when they need somewhere to express themselves. The focus of this article is not on the disadvantage of these chatbots on human communication. Let’s look at what it says about humans.

Frank was not looking for someone to solve his problems. What he wanted was someone to tell him that he had not done anything wrong. This could be one of the reasons AI companions have become appealing to some people. However, there is something else happening here. When we choose a chatbot because we are afraid that another person might judge us, are we only seeking a safe space to express ourselves? Or are we also avoiding the discomfort that comes with being challenged?

Being Heard is not the Same as Being Known

We may say we want someone to listen to us, but what we really want is agreement. We want someone to confirm that our anger is justified, our decision was reasonable and the other person was wrong. Genuine relationships do not always give us that comfort. Someone who knows us may listen and then ask the question we are hoping to avoid.   

Although Frank is satisfied after having a conversation with his chatbot, the conversation only helped him remain in his own version of the story. He did not have to hear someone ask whether spending their marriage money on a video game was actually a good thing. This is one thing we should think about when we choose who to talk to. We don’t always need someone to tell us that we are right. We need someone who cares enough to listen and, when necessary, help us see what we may have missed.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a safe place to express yourself. If we always choose the listener who makes us comfortable, we may miss the relationships that challenge us to understand ourselves better. Being heard is finding someone who knows us well enough to tell us the truth.