Have you at one time or the other said something like this: “That’s just my personality. It’s not something I can change”? What if that which you call “your personality” was developed from your past experiences. That young lady that thinks she’s very independent might just be because she’s learnt early that asking for help came with disappointment. The man became controlling because he could not tolerate uncertainty. The business mogul has become emotionally distant because he has learnt that being vulnerable mostly comes with painful consequences.

At first, these behaviors could have helped them overcome certain challenges. For instance, because the lady learnt to be independent, she has excelled brilliantly in her business. Perhaps the business mogul has been able to escape certain blackmail attempts because he learnt not to become too emotionally vulnerable with his business partners. In situations like these, the behaviors seem to be working.

However, some of these behaviors could be carried into situations where they are no longer necessary. The independence that helped her build a successful business might make it difficult for her to accept help from someone who genuinely wants to support her. The emotional distance that protected the business mogul might also prevent him from building relationships where vulnerability is necessary. A response that once protected us can eventually become a barrier.

When Old Patterns Affect New Relationships

In personal relationships, behaviors like this can be difficult to manage. That man that wants to control every situation may find it difficult to trust another person’s judgment. The difficulty is that we may not see anything unusual about these behaviors. To us, this is simply who we are. We have lived this way for so long that we may no longer remember why we started.

How do you recognize that a once-useful behavior is no longer serving you? One place to begin is to be curious about the behaviors you’ve always considered part of your personality. Why do I find it so difficult to ask for help? Why do I need to control every detail? Why do I withdraw whenever someone gets too close? Why does depending on another person make me uncomfortable?

These questions do not mean that something is seriously wrong with you. They just help you discover where some of your habits came from and whether they still serve the person you have become. After you’ve recognized these patterns, certain changes need to be made to outgrow your behavior.

Learning to Be Flexible

To be frank, letting go of these behaviors can feel frightening. This is because they have become our protection. The man who always needed to control situations may fear what could happen if he lets go. Even when we know a behavior is restricting us, we can see it as too risky to give it up. The reason is that this behavior has always served as a shield to keep us safe.

The goal might not even be to change our personalities entirely. We can accept help from others even when we are independent. We don’t have to shut everyone out because we are being cautious. Lastly, wanting some control does not mean we must control everything. We can keep the parts of ourselves that serve us and then learn to respond differently when the situation calls for it. So, choose to be flexible and grow.